Story by Nick Grossmann
The Cult Leader: Hippy Joe Peterson
In New Jersey, Jersey City, nicknamed the armpit of America, always reeked of toxic waste and sewage, so they were safe from the rotting cloud of scent coming from New York City. The toxic waste smell outdid the human rot. Deep in South Jersey, where they call The Pines, known for its beautiful pine tree forests and home to the Jersey Devil, lies a commune in the woods called Big Happy Family, led by cult leader Joe Peterson, or Average Joe, as the police have named him after being on the FBI watch list, as this was a massive commune and they knew they were well armed to a T.
Average Joe or Hippy Joe as the followers nicknamed him was worshiped like a god by his followers, who were all men and women. Joe wasn’t scared of the zombies in New York City, as he knew this was the prophecy. However, Joe had the right in his group of followers to have any women he chooses. Joe got a total of 123 women pregnant, as he is a god to them. Unfortunately, he gets a letter in the mail from the Superior Court saying he has to pay child support to all the women he got pregnant. He said, “Fuck that shit. I’m not doing that… Time for plan C to take effect.”
Joe goes, and he has a temple of occult items. But he was looking for the Kool-Aid that was used by Jim Jones. Jim Jones had a back stock of this red Kool-Aid drink powder. Joe is a collector and has about 3 boxes of the powder concoction. Joe goes and grabs the 3 boxes and gets a few empty kegs from his beer club. He fills it with the Kool-Aid, hoping that it will have the same effect and kill everyone. Little did he know, in these boxes was Wendigo powder he bought off a witch doctor as a part of his collection. Like a jackass, he makes everyone drink the dried Wendigo blood, and yes, they do die, but they come back as hungry flesh eaters. The women gave birth to 123 children that were also wendigos. The Wendigo children, after being born, immediately ate the placenta of the mothers.
Joe was like, “Fuck… I was better off with child support than this. These kids are nuts! I can’t sleep in fear of my own son or daughter eating me alive. Joe had a taser stick that worked on them. Joe had to take care of everyone. He had to provide corpse meat to the wendigo offspring. The children wouldn’t eat meat off the bone, and they were driving Joe crazy with all the crying as they were teething. Their little baby teeth were jagged like razor blades. They had antlers like a buck, human hands with claws, and humans down to the waist and legs. The hands and toes were webbed. These kids, though, are hungry, but they won’t eat!!! Joe takes his money from the donations bank and orders a truckload of Gerber. He tried feeding them all sorts of flavors of the Gerber. They were not having it still. Joe then gets his blender and blends up Gerber and human remains, as these are wendigos. He blended the mess up and then spoon-fed one of the children, and they loved it. Joe made a huge boo-boo. What a jackass. As for the parents of the kids, they ate their husbands, and their husbands turned into Wendigo. When a wendigo scratches or bites you after the person changes into one.
The Superior Court marshal comes to hand him papers, and he sees all these monsters in a gated section. Joe tells the marshal, “Like a jackass, I created this mess of Wendigos. It makes headlines on CNN. CNN reports, “Joe The Jackass Just Fucked The World.” Governor Schumer hears of this and calls Joe and says he will pay top dollar for his wendigo children. The New York government and FBI thought it was a great idea to send the Wendigos into the streets of New York to devour the zombies. So they got them on truckloads used to move cattle and horses. Joe makes out like a bandit and sells his offspring to the government.
Jart King Cappy Jako: too much to drink Jacko Drunko. He sucks at jarts.
The Deliverance 8 are enjoying a day off playing Jarts, eating cocktail shrimp and hot dogs, and drinking Coors Light beer. The Rabbi all of a sudden started saying, “Waaait, what the fuck! I want to go back! I want to go back!” The 8 rushed to the yelling and noticed the rabbi’s trip was over. He doesn’t know where he is. Captain Jack said, “How many fingers am I holding up?” Rabbie says 3 rainbow trail fingers. ” Jack said, “You’re fine. That miserable trip is now over, and you’re sobering up! That’s a boy!” The Rabbi said, “I want to go back! WTF is this place? It smells like rotting meat in the heat.” Jack said, “Snap out of it…” You’re in Yonkers in a zombie apocalypse, and we need you to be in tip-top shape by tomorrow.” The Rabbi says, “I want to go back to La Land!” Yurum The Buddhist-Taoist whispers to Jack, “He’ll be fresh and cleaned up by tomorrow morning.” They need the rabbi tomorrow morning sharp because he is the tactical gear specialist of the group. He has mechanical dybbuk boxes, and he traps evil spirits in them. This is the only way to trap the great Zar. Remember it’s not his fault he was drugged.
Having a… ummm, not so great time.
Sister Hagitha says, “You do know Jarts are illegal now, right? Keep them awaaaaay from me.” The Deliverance Minister said, “Who gives a fuck? The world is a mess. I’d like to drive one of these jarts right into the heart of the great Zar.”
Meanwhile, back in Brooklyn and the rest of the city, people are being mutilated and eaten alive, and most come back with a walking carcass. The NYPD notices a strange and unexplainable phenomenon: the junkies and crackheads didn’t get attacked, and the zombies weren’t interested. This is due to the fact that they have no meat on their bones and their brains are too fried to pick up the scent from the zombies.
The pimps in New York City would now take the crack addicts and heroin users under their wing. They formed gangs. The main gang with the junkies was called “Junkie JayWalkers,” and the crackheads were called Crack Army. They armed them with stolen guns. They would then ward off a few industrial buildings and run the gangs with the drugs they liked to use. The leader was called “Pimp Daddy Mcdougal.” McDougal had a gang of over 800 drug addicts that would do anything for a fix. Therefore, he sent them into town to have a war with the police. They were ordered to beat up the police officers and give them a hit of crack. Just one hit, though. When they did this, they forced the officers to smoke the crack, and many of the officers became hooked immediately. That’s how head Pimp Daddy McDougal made clients with the law enforcement. The zombies, however, still weren’t interested in the crackheads, as there was really nothing to feast on.
The Pope asks the Sisters of Magnolin to go and investigate this McDougal character. The sisters took 7 taxi cabs to the location. McDougal orders the crack army to kill the sisters. One of the crack soldiers named Frost Lip, who is a sergeant in McDougle’s command, pretended he had a gun in his jacket pocket. His hand was in his windbreaker jacket pocket, saying he has a loaded gun and they better give him their money and gold jewelry. Sister Fattima siad, “Now, girls!” The posse of nuns whipped out tommy guns from under their cloaks and pumped Frost Lip full of lead. He was dead. They demanded to speak with the leader, Mcdougal, and all of a sudden the addicts surrounded them. They had self-defense training that came in handy as they grabbed one by the throat, punched him in the balls, and dumped his body in the oil drum can that the bums were using to keep warm into the fire. He burns in hell and catches on fire. The sisters were amazed and said, “Damn, Fatima! Where did you learn those moves?’ Fatima said “My father was the old man with the Luger gun on Return to Salem’s Lot, so I learned a thing or two from the old man.”
Wing Chun Nun
Still, McDougal is nowhere to be found, and the area was filled with smog from the crack smoke. Sister Barbra forgot to bring her asthma inhaler. Sister Barbra begins to cough and wheeze. Sister Fatima says, “Well, did you bring your inhaler?” Barbra said, “I forgot to refill my prescription.” Fatima said, “Nice one, Baps!” Now we have to leave the mission for now. Mission spoiled girls.. thanks to you know who… BAPS!!!” Sister Barbra said, “What did you call me? Did you call me Baps!!!? No one calls me Baaaaps!” They head back to base in Yonkers and give Barbra oxygen. Barbra says to Fatima, “I swear, if you weren’t my sister, I would kick your ass!” Fatima says, “Yeah, whatever, Baps!” Barbra says, “Heeeeeeeeyyyy!!” Fatima said” Put the oxygen mask back on her so she stops being a Debbie Downer!” Meanwhile, the shipment of Wendigos has arrived, and Chuck Schumer lets them loose. They backed up their trucks to thousands of zombies and only 214 Wendigo. But it was ok, as the Wendigo will win against zombies. They opened the back gates and let the Wendigo parents and children off the trucks. The wendigos noticed the zombies but didn’t seem interested. The Wendigos started going after the living and not the dead. The general of the army said “They don’t eat dead meat.I tried telling you, but…” Schumer slaps his forehead and says, “Duhhh, they eat living people only. I’m a fucking idiot. I’m done for!” Schumer says to the general, “Call Antifa nooooow! We need more military.”
Schumer goes into his office and announces “We have a situation code Shitting Bricks! Everyone evacuate.” He hits his red button, which transforms the New York City dumpsters and trash cans into pallets of house bricks. All of a sudden people are like, “What the fuck?” as the dumpsters rotated underground and surfaced pallets of bricks. Antifa comes in a black block formation.
Schumer orders Antifa to throw bricks at the zombies. Antifa said, “Waaaait a minute. I thought you were calling us to protect the zombies, not kill them.” Chuck points at the zombies and says, “Kill them, kill them, kill them!!!” They start throwing the bricks in store windows and rioting and looting New York. Chuck says to himself, “How am I going to explain this one…?” Chuck Schumer retires the next day and moves to Barbados in his 800 million mansion. Wall Street Journal writes “Fucko Chucko Retires And Flees Illegally”.
Chuck is about to have an anxiety attack.
Creator: Manuel Balce Ceneta
Meanwhile, cult leader Joe is also living it up in his complex with no more cult followers but tons of cash. He gets a call from Netflix to see if he would be interested in living with Joe Exotic, the Tiger King, in his new complex for a documentary called Tiger Cult. He accepts the deal and signs the contract. Joe has a magical ability to brainwash people. Very similar to the father from the movie Firestarter, and that’s how he brainwashed everyone to join Big Happy Family. He was going to start up his cult with crazy Joe Exotic. Joe Exotic also had tons of guns.
Keeping these tigers fed is easy now that they eat zombies. Tigers have special enzymes in their stomach that kill the zombie virus when ingested, unlike humans. On top of that, Joe had hundreds of baby tigers, and he made a fortune selling them to people as pets as a counter-zombie weapon to protect families. Joe is a tiger whisperer. Now that the world is in chaos, Joe rides his moped to Carol Baskin’s house, and he was going to shoot her. Finally he had the chance! He went into her living room and saw Baskins as a zombie coming towards him. He was disappointed and said, “Fuck… She’s already dead. He shoots her in between the eyes.” He wanted her alive so he could kill her, but she was already a walking stiff when he arrived.Joe says “That bitch Carol Baskins.. It’s no fun if they’re already dead.”
Meanwhile, the Deliverance 8 was enjoying lunch at a falafel joint uptown after a day of slaying zombies. They get a call about a concern from Cuomo. He tells them “There are a few characters they are concerned about, and they learn they were on the prowl to rob the diamond district. There’s a very rare diamond that’s an urban legend said to have powers beyond human perception. They said that one calls himself Mr. Wiz, and the other one is Cat Lady Queen, who has mind control of all her cats.”
Crazy Cat Mama
The Deliverance 8 are onto this now as they stake out on the rooftops of 5th Avenue. Mr. Wiz is the son of Mister Wizard, who was a scientist; however, he took his father’s chemistry teaching to the dark side. He’s a mad scientist. The crazy cat lady never liked people anyway, so she had a weird knack for her gang of felines.
All of a sudden they hear a bang, and it’s an explosion of one of the wholesale stores, and they hear an alarm going off, and they jump down from the building and go into the store. There they met the duo. Maria The Bruja said, “That’s that cat bitch over there.” The Cat Lady said, “Who are you calling a bitch… bitch!” She then clawed Maria’s cheek, leaving scratch marks…. Maria said, “Bitch…” I’m going to show you how we do this in Harlem.” They had a claw fight. So the cat queen summoned cats, and they all jumped on Maria, but what she didn’t realize is that Maria had cat powers also As she was a Santeria mystic and turned the cats back onto her. They ripped her to shreds. Maria says, “That bitch was easy. Cabrón!”
Mr. Wiz wasn’t only a mad scientist but also a mad occultist. His style was mixing magic and chemistry together. He is a master alchemist. He takes a pinch out of a powder called Chango Macho. Chango is a deity. When he threw it at the Conjure Doctor Jasmine, the soil on her feet that was thrown quickly grounded in roots and wrapped her feet into the ground. She prayed to her ancestors and gave an offering of 7 drops of her blood, and three ancestors came in a force, throwing Mr. Wiz across the room. Mr. Wiz was like, “What the fuck.” I’m out!” He had a potion in his hand and broke the glass on the ground, creating toxic fumes and smoke, and vanished.
Jack the Exorcist says, “Holy shit, we kicked ass again!” He goes up to Jasmine, who’s bound to the roots of the ground, and throws holy water at it, breaking the spell and freeing her from the ground.
Harvey Weinstein had to use special medication in order to feel aroused. He spent thousands each month on a medication that is injected into his personal area. Weinstein Says “Hey, I’m having a tag sale. Harvey Weinstein sells a love seat. He tells the buyer to make sure they put plastic protection on the fabric before they sit on the love-seat. He said “ it’s filled with who the fuck knows.” He says “If ya catch Hep C, it ain’t from me!” Laughs, and they laughed with him. It was thought to be a funny joke until he came out with a release form stating if you catch a disease or VD from sitting on the love-seat, that he’s not responsible. Makes them sign and date.
This world is going mad
Bill Clinton hears the tragic news of the president’s suicide. He calls Monika Lowenskill and says “We missed one important place we never had sex in, and it’s the private elevator for the president.” He said, “Now that he’s dead, let’s get up there and make a quickie so at least before I die I can proudly say that I have gotten laid in that elevator.”
So they met in the office and went into the elevator. Hilary installed an ankle bracelet on Bill so she knows where he is at all times. She saw he was in the White House, so she went there and found them about to have sex in the elevator. She said, “Bill, pull up your damn pants, will you?!…” He was so embarrassed he got caught, his nose turned bright red. Hilary says, “Now get your ass out of the elevator!” Bill proceeds to leave the elevator as he’s buckling his belt, and Monica begins to follow, and Hillary says, “Not you.” to Monica. She says to Bill, “It’s my turn. Get your ass out of here!” Hilary steps in the elevator and says, “You are going to be one famous celeb after this.” Monica immediately and happily hit the door close button! The elevator door closes shut with Hilary and Monika.
New York Governor Cuomo is taking the heat for these zombies and wendigos. He explains this is not my work, but this is Chuck’s. Andrew gets on CNN and says, “Chuck, what the flying fuck? Fly your ass back up here and take care of this.” Schumer agrees and flies back to NYC. He said, “Thanks a lot.” I went from the smell of Pina Colada to rotting pus bags!… What do you want from meee!” Schumer then comes up with a bright idea, and he says, “Why don’t we put barbecue sauce all over the
BBQ Mess
zombies?” Then I bet the wendigos will eat them.” So they got helicopters with giant buckets of barbecue sauce from a factory out of the city and flew them in. The helicopters dumped 10 million gallons of BBQ sauce on the zombies. It didn’t work. Chuck You fucking moron, you just made a giant BBQ of gangrene. The fucking flys now! New York City has a new problem now! Flies and bees attached to the sauce. Chuck points to Cuomo and says, “It was all his idea, not mine! Get them, get them, get them!” Andrew says, “Chuck… you’re a jackass…” Cuff ’em, boys.” New York now has a tasty mess, and there are millions of bugs! Schumer is in jail bitching and moaning all night long. Ahhhh fucking Chuck….
Meanwhile in Indonesia, Zar notices that this magical crystal grown in his uncle’s cave has an ability to make him go without food for weeks and weeks. Remember, he is in a cave of cocaine and meth. The crystals grow naturally. It’s the most pure dope on the planet, literally. All of a sudden Grandma’s elder notices that they have been in that cave for weeks. She goes down there, and Zar and his uncle are tweaking. ” She says you boys need to cut that shit out! Come upstairs.” They went upstairs and fell asleep for 3 days. They then woke up so hungry. They woke up to a buffet. There was fried skin on a stick, bone marrow burgers, spicy kidney stones, and beef and broccoli. One of his uncles’ things was the beef and broccoli and how rotten meat was tender like Chinese take out meat, so it worked great. Add some soy sauce and duck sauce so you can barely taste the rot. The buffet has the scent of a deer carcass left out on the side of a road, and you’re in a traffic jam. But this family has grown on Grandma Elder’s famous cooking.
Crazy Old Uncle Goshi
They chow down, and Crazy Uncle goes into the liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of Dunchum, which is a liquor made from human bile and a gin-like substance. They all got piss-wasted off of it. Crazy Uncle comes out with another bottle, and it’s formaldehyde. He wanted to give Zar a pack of cigarettes soaked in the fluid. She says, “Give me that fucking shit! Both of you get to bed!!” She takes the formaldehyde and dumps it in the toilet after they are passed out. Crazy old Uncle Goshi! Literally the worst party animal on earth and not the best influence on Zar. Grandma Elder sighs…
Zar learns of what is going on in the states and sees evil villains. He was so proud that he started this. It was and is his destiny. However, he was a narcissist. His father, Harsha, was a psychopath. Zar picked up that trait from his dad. Zar begins to get jealous and wants to behead the villains. This is Zar’s masterpiece, not theirs. Zar takes the first flight to America. The plane, however, had to make a landing halfway because Zar smelled so bad the pilot of the plane was puking all over the controls. It smelled like chicken and eggs left out in a heated room. Everyone started to gag. Especially when the pilot announced, “We’re going to make an emergency landing bllllllaaaaaaaah! Splaaat vhhhoooooollllllah There must be a dead roadkill on board or a raccoon got into the bunker and died!” He said “Folks, puke bags are in the lower compartment! “ All of a sudden the flight attendant vomited on one old man, and he vomited on the child next to him. The kid’s mother vomits; the whole damn plane was a mess. They landed safely, but before they landed, Zar went into the bathrooms and cleaned himself up. The airport staff was baffled and didn’t know how this happened. Luckily now,after cleaning himself in the toilet water and foam soup and also stealing a sports jacket, tie, and suit, Zar was on the next plane. This plane will land at JFK airport. Zar lands and is met by his gutter punk crew. Suzy Cans, Terance the Terrible, and Joey Smack looked at him and noticed him clean-cut, and they yelled, “You fucking sellout!!” Zar said, “Guys! Guys, guys, guys. I just did this so they wouldn’t know I was the one giving off the scent of the rotting flesh… It’s a long story, but trust me, as soon as I get out of here, take me to the cemetery ASAP. I need some American meat. I need to get that graveyard’s soil all over this sports jacket and drink from the creek that runs through the cemetery. . The Punks then chant, “Zar! Zar! Master Zar! Zar! Zar! Master Zar!” And they were off!
As they were driving back to the abandoned campus, the gutter punks claimed a squatter house. Zar said to driver Tiny, “Wait a minute…. Can we make a quick stop in Midtown?” Suzie Cans says, “Why do you want some pizza, Zar?” Zar said, “No no no…” I want to cop some rocks on 8th Street. Just a quick stop will be 3 seconds.” So they went and got a few 8 balls and some freebase and took it back to the colony of punks.
Zar taking a rip out of the pipe
They arrived, and Zar said, “I need to know who is the major coke dealer in town and what’s the address.” Tiny said “There’s a place in the Bronx…” , and they venture the next day to the address. Below was a crack laboratory. It was so popular even the local police were in on it. They pull up, and Zar says, “Stay in the car.” Zar walks right in and comes out with 3 bricks of base cocaine. Zar says, “Before I sniff this with you guys, let me cook you up a meal.” He said I’m a good cook! I take after my uncle. I’m going to teach y’all how to eat rotted style!” They then chanted again. “Zar, Zar, Master Zar!”
Zar went to the homeless shelter, and they held the homeless down and cut off the skin tags of them and collected them in a bucket. He then collected the teeth . He said we are going to eat tooth stew. ” The punks are thinking, “Hmm, this is like stone stew, isn’t it? You’re going to pretend to put the teeth in…” Zar said, “Just be patient and put a pot of stew in with the skin tags and the toenails.” The Toenails gave it a cheese-like zest!” Zar comes back 10 minutes later and serves stew to them. They think the tooth part he pretended to put in is just like the stone stew thing in elementary school. Tiny said “Our man Zar the ball breaker!”
They all start slurping it, and all of a sudden they are screaming, “Ohhhhh, awwww!!!” Oooh!! Crunch, crack…” They said, “Zar, what the fuck. There are teeth in here. We thought this was a prank!” Zar said, “I told you it was tooth stew.” He didn’t understand why they were upset. “The punks said, ‘Well, the teeth were decayed anyway… Maybe we can go to a volunteer dentist and get pain medication at least.” Tiny says with a bloody, swollen mouth, “Zar… we love you…” We understand you’re from a different culture, but you have to fucking tell us you’re going to actually put teeth in there man! Zar says, “Well, you know you’re a cannibal when you have sharp, jagged teeth.” Now it’s official!”
Meanwhile, the whole USA is practically zombie infested and also has a Wendigo problem they are keeping hush about.
Meanwhile, the Border Czar, Tom, says he is resigning his job. He said “You may as well open the border now. This place sucks, so go right ahead!” So they opened the boater. A mob of zombies from Mexico, Guatemala, and Honduras chased Tom a few blocks away. He managed to shoot a few as he had his 9 millimeter. The mob of thousands climbed to him on top of a hill. The mob catches up to him and surrounds him. Before they got a chance to devour and were reaching and grabbing his shirt, Tom pulled out his grenade belt and said, “God bless America, motherfuckers!” Takes a swig of Jose Cuervo tequila and releases the pin and handle, blowing up over 150 zombies and himself.
The cutting-edge monks have met a match, as there’s just too much. Vatican Atlantis has another fleet coming in, but it will be 2 days upon arrival.
Meanwhile, the new president of the United States wakes up and notices his toupee is gone. It’s in the hands of White House press secretary, as she and her husband like to role-play. She gets fired for stealing from the boss. Her husband says, “Well, it was fun being the big man while it lasted.”
The Vatican gets another signal that Zar is in New York. They pinpoint his location and find him and an army of gutter punks with Aghori powers. Zar converted the punk army into Aghori. This calls for Devasti, the voodoo man, as he has raised zombies of his own and calls upon the corpses from the nearby cemeteries to unearth themselves and join him as they fight the Aghori Gang. Now Zar and his army are up against supernatural zombies. As long as Devasti played the drum, they would keep in motion, but when he stopped, they paused. Devasti was pounding shamanic tones on that drum, and they went to town. Unfortunately punk rock people know how to fight already, so they beat the zombies with chains and bats no problem. There were dried body parts all over the place. The dust from the torn zombies began to fill the air. Zar got a whiff of it, and he started fiending. Zar says he’s hungry, and the punks suggest a nice local cemetery nearby… Zar said, “Let’s go to the homeless shelter. The meat is partially rotted, and it’s a delicacy where I’m from.” So they went to the soup kitchen, and as the homeless were eating split pea soup, Zar and the punks devoured them. “Living meat is a delicacy, especially if it’s somewhat decayed and alive.” Zar says. Most junkies are on a new street drug they call “tranq,” which makes your skin rot out and people lose limbs. Perfection! “bon appétit”
De’vasti Voodoo Hero
Meanwhile, we have a slight issue… One of the gutter punks stabbed Revere Dale in the heart with a syringe of crystal meth amphetamines. Out-of-control party animal. He said, “I felt like I was in priest school again when the boyz and I drank 12 Red Bulls! I’m a badass, and it’s a sin, sin, sin, holiday and I’m taking the fucking day off! “ All of a sudden there was a New York City marathon, and he jumped the barrier and started running with the crowd. He was in the lead, and all of a sudden Richard Simmons runs and keeps up, and they are running next to him.
They are both head-to-head until Simmons gets his Walkman and puts the headphones on to the oldie song “Do You Know the Way to Santa Fe?” and he was like, “I can’t groove to this slow tune. Come oooooon, let’s live it up,” and he hits the fast forward button on the cassette and goes to the song “Dancing in the Streets.” He takes the lead, and Simmons wins the marathon!
Richard Simmons is doing a new production called Sweatin’ To Music that sucks. They were dancing to ColdPlay and Seal. All of a sudden the smell of flesh from the sweat vaporized into the streets. The wendigos went crazy and proceeded into the gymnasium. Simmons goes, “What the fuck is going on hereeeee? We have a production here!… Where’s the director?! Now!” He then notices one of the dancers being devoured, and he says, “It’s sweating time!!!” And ran out the emergency exit as the video dancers got eaten by the wendigos. Richard Simmons runs down the street and yells, “Tootalooo, assholes!”… while looking back, and all of a sudden he falls into this pit of street work and construction. He took his eyes off the road and fell into a hole. He broke his neck and back, and he was devoured by the alligators in the sewers. He dies with the song “Do You Know the Way to Santa Fe” playing on his cassette player headphones.
Paranormal teams rush to the aid of vigilantes. One was Duffle Bag Paranormal, or D. Bag Paranormal for short. The Waptors and The Nancy Boys are out on the streets trying to figure this whole nightmare out. The EMF meters are so loud the beeping can be heard for blocks and blocks. They caught the intelligence of Dan Bongino. The military arrests them and takes them to a mirrored window room where Bongino is smoking 5 cigarettes at once. He then tells them to sit down. He ties a belt off on his arm, gets a needle filled with coffee, and shoots it right into his veins. Bongino says, “What the hell are you doing in the streets with this gear or gadgets going off, whateverthe fuck they are?” Head of D. Bag Paranormal says, “We just want to help… We don’t charge…” Bongino said, “What kind of name is D Bag Paranormal?” Andy of The Waptors said, “We just want to be famous like everyone else.” Bongino said “If you want to be famous, jump off the Washington Bridge and do us all a favor. Make sure you hit the record button, and I promise you’ll get famous that way! You’re dismissed and banned from any vigilante stuff with zombies.”
Fearless leader of D Bag Paranormal ready to roll!
Leader John of the Nancy Boys said, walking out of the station, “Dan said we will get famous if we jump off that bridge. The following day the three teams head to the bridge, where they have their camera guy filming. Police surrounded the bridge and tried to get them not to jump. They asked why, and the teams said “Dan Bongino said we’ll get famous if we do this.” They call Dan Bongino and ask if it’s true that he told them this. ” Bongino said “I was fucking joking! Tell them to go home.” The teams got off the bridge and were disappointed Bongino was joking and not serious. Allen from The Waptors said, “Looks like we again lost our shot to fame yet again.”
Actor and hot shot: Charlie Sheen offers his mystery cure called Panther’s Blood. He claims that the zombies won’t be interested in eating you if they ingest this and drink his energy drink. In his commercial for it, he proves that the zombies won’t kill him; as a matter of fact, they walked away from him. Charlie Sheen made millions in less than a week until they reported that everyone who bought the panther’s blood was eaten or attacked by zombies because it didn’t work for anyone. But Sheen was confused and wondered why… He said, “I guess I’m like Superman now with powers and abilities.” Little does he know that he’s so loaded up with pills and ecstasy and is filled with VDs that the zombies found him toxic and won’t even touch him. Now Charlie Sheen thinks he’s Superman and goes on top of the Empire State Building. He had his GoPro camera on, and he bought a Superman outfit with a red cape. Went up to the Empire State Building and hit the record button on his go pro cam and said, “Winning!” with that million-dollar grin, and he ran and jumped off the building. He glided for about 10 ft and then started falling. He didn’t have any superhuman powers, but he was just too toxic for the zombies to ingest. Sheen falls to his death. The zombies or the wendigos ignore his dead body.
Meanwhile, the streets are a mess of the worst decay known to mankind. Worse than when the druids cursed the British and worse than the smell of Gettysburg after the battle was over. The flesh grows fungi, hairs, and bacteria. Many people died from being exposed to and breathing the spores of the bacteria, as they were allergic. So there were people who would go into athletic shock right in the middle of the road. Children start having a meatball fight outside. CNN urges children to not have meatball fights. If the rotted ooze gets in your mouth because you didn’t properly wash your hands, you can turn, and many kids did turn to zombies from poor hygiene. They also got the worst case of pink eye known to mankind.
Governor Chris Christie is seen on Fox News saying that he’s a walking zombie. They have footage of him eating carcasses. They sent out a unit to euthanize him, and when the military unit arrived and spotted Christie, he yelled, “Waiiiit woh woh woh!! I’m alive! I’m not one of those things. I was taking advantage of the free meals.” He was found sitting there with a bowl of jelly donuts, special sauce from Mickey D’s, and human brains. It was delicious. He wasn’t one of them after all. Let him go. He’s fine. Christie asks the soldiers if they would like to come in for some donuts. They said, “No sir, we have to be on our way.” They left on the chopper, and as soon as they were out of sight, Christie was at it again. Christie had an idea, and he skinned 2 zombies, and he cut up the skin into lines. He then put them in a bag and took them to the local Burger King, and he said, “I’m a politician; I have the right to commandeer your deep fryer.” He put the strips of skin in them and fried them up and took them out with a dash of salt and crispy. He tasted it and said, “Now your fries are better than Mickey D’s!”
Anthony Weiner gets excited by the hype of all the zombies. He takes a big hit of meth and runs outside naked with only a cape like Superman. He thought that he could get away with making love to the walking stiffs because they were dead anyway, so it wouldn’t count. He was disappointed, as these were basically walking mutilated meat bags. He thought “Maybe a little makeup wouldn’t hurt..?” So he goes back to his condo and steals his wife’s makeup kit. He then applies it to one of the zombies, and it bites off his finger. He says great. Now the New York Times is going to write “ Anthony Weiner turns into a zombie after going on a perverted rampage.”
The next day the New York Times says, “Anthony Weiner, once New York’s Sleazebag, Turns Into A Walking Meatbag.”
The Deliverance 8 met back at base in Yonkers, Connecticut. To team up with The Sisters Of Magdalene and also The Angry Gals to learn about a new militia based on religion, but this was different as this was a vampire cult. They were not real vampires from birth, but they took special medication to make them look and feel more dead than alive. They would feed on the living, usually in martini bars throughout Manhattan. One day they came across a rave party, and everyone was on something. Little did they know by drinking the blood of the rave kids they were going to trip their brains out. It was the greatest night of their lives. The next day they went to the park and saw an old man walking his poodle, and they attacked him and penetrated his jugular vein. They drank, but it was never the same anymore. The bit average Joes and Janes with the same sobering result. This vamp cult called The Bleeders realizes that they want to crash another party. They did this twice a week at rave clubs and again tripped their brains out every time from the hallucinogens in the blood that they drank. Little did they realize what was a harmless bloodbath became an addiction as they only fed off of ravers. They hated the music. They were also masters at throwing knives, using medieval ball and chains and wizardry.They got their training from a deck of Dungeons and Dragons cards.
They trained an army and started a dangerous new drug called Hemo, and people started drinking the blood of crackheads and opiate users too, people on ketamine and every narcotic, just so they would achieve the ultimate high.
Back at headquarters in Yonkers at the casino transformed into the military base, angry gals, the Sisters of Magnolin and the Deliverance 8, watch a hologram video that is projected out of the phone into the president. The president stated that the leader of this cult of artificial vampires was Benjamin Wilson. Right away Abby from the Angry Gals said, “Heeeey, that bastard. He’s my ex-boyfriend that stalked me, and I have a restraining order!!! I’m going to cut his balls off!” The head of the Sisters, Olga, said, “I love your enthusiasm!” Abby said, “I get first dibs!” She got some hedge clippers out, and she said, “Hmmmmm, this is way too big,” and she got out a pair of small wire cutters and said, “This is proper for the size!” Exorcist Jack says we are assassinating him professionally with an exorcism and execution style killing..” Then the general says, “Let her do it with the snippers! The guy is a dork. Who cares?” So Abby got clearance from the military granting her clearance to castrate him.
The Vamp Cult!
The Deliverance 8 located the addict vampires, or blood addicts, as they called them. This cult of vamps started a dangerous trend for kids to drink the blood of drug addicts in order to get a euphoric effect. They had set up illegal underground blood labs and paid the addicts a few dollars per pint of blood. These blood labs were opening up, and Pimp Daddy McDougal wanted a piece of the pie.
Abba goes up and interrupts Benjamin playing Dungeons and Dragons and flips the table over. Benjamin and the other vamp were like, “Haaaay, that’s against the rules of the game!” She said to Benjamin “Remember me and my restraining order?” He said, “Yes, how dare you. You ruined my life!” Abby said, “I had a change of heart, though, and I want you to be my boyfriend now.” She rips up the restraining order and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He goes crazy, and he’s in love. Abby then says, “Get em, girls!” and the angry gals all hold him down. Deliverance 8 said, “Let’s step out for a minute while they do this.” They step out of the warehouse room. They then hear, “Ouuuuuch ouuuuuch ouuuuuch. Now I need a bandage!” Abby said” Now it’s fixed!” He’s screaming “I need a bandaid now!” Sister Cathy yells “Yeah for your pinky!!” All the Sisters Laugh. Cathy always had a trucker’s mouth even as a nun.
Meanwhile, soldiers are getting eaten and turning, so the president has no choice but to open the draft. He makes all the children board up in their rooms with their Mountain Dew, cheese puffs, and weed, along with vape pens, and orders parents for them to enlist. They had a big problem getting the kids off the computer and arrested a bunch of them for it. Elon Musk then comes through with his genius plan to send Musk Bots that are Tesla soldiers that are wifi controlled. Ellon then designs a video game called Pus Bags, and it’s a game similar to Fortnight but with killing zombies instead on the video game screen. Now we can make use of these kids for a change. They are able to control a robot soldier to kill the zombies. They have to do this without pay and instead for Starbucks gift cards.
The idea was a hit, as they had an army of 500 bots so far, and the kids were loving this. The kids loved relaxing in their $600.00 video game chairs, drinking Monsters, and playing Pus Bags, where they get to beat the pus and guts out of the zombies eating their cheese poofs and blasting away. They were ordered to work four hours a day per child, but it turned out to be such a hot video game that they were up all night long on the joystick and keyboards.
CNN reports on Project Pus Bags and says this is a positive outlet for our children. It showed less harassment on Facebook and arguing on FB and more activity on the pus bags platform killing zombies. The kids controlled the Tesla bots with their video game controllers and proceeded to kill the zombies right at the comfort of their bedroom in the basement.
Paranormal Team: The Waptors
D Bags Paranormal, The Waptors, and The Nancy Boys hear word of a vigilante group called The Deliverance 8. They quickly find Captain Jack Exorcist’s phone number. This was their chance to make a difference in this world with their paranormal and ghost-hunting skills. Cornelius from The Waptors dialed the number and put it on speakerphone. Jack picked up and said, “Jack speaking…” Cornelius introduced the three teams and said “We are paranormal investigators and they help people at no charge… in case they would like to tag along with them. We have lots of knowledge on ghosts and stuff like that. We feel we can all be useful as an alliance with your team The Deliverance 8!” They were all so excited to be talking to a celebrity exorcist and legendary demon hunter. This was their moment of fame right in the palm of their hands, and then Jack responded simply with “ettt em…..” They were so excited their stomachs hurt with butterflies.. Jack responds “Sorry.” We have no need for that. Have a blessed day and be sure to follow us on Instagram. Bye bye.” and hang up, and you hear the ringtone. They were speechless.
Nancy Boy washed up Poindexter Max.
This is an apocalyptic freak show. To be continued.