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In this debut memoir, Lundquist revisits her relationship with Devin—a closeted gay man—twenty years after their divorce, as she investigates the “beard” trope in literature, culture, and her own romantic life. A tour de force of empathy and vivid prose, Beard reckons honestly with the harm done to both husband and wife by churches that required rigid performances of gender and sexuality. In contrast, Lundquist learns to let go of brittle certainties as she embraces what her first marriage taught her about risk and redemption.
If I ever have the slightest chance to peek into someone’s marriage, I am going to. There’s something deeply fascinating to me about how impossible it is to truly understand a relationship that has been explicitly set up as exclusive (most of the time…). That means yes, I am eavesdropping on the conversations around me at coffee shops and restaurants. Of course, I am obsessed with the show Couples Therapy. And I will happily read any memoir that gets into the nitty-gritty of marriage or divorce.
Likewise, our experiences with gender and sexuality are unique, and hopefully ever-evolving. Writers who can capture a snapshot of that journey are commendable. It takes bravery to be so vulnerable and introspective. It takes even more bravery to do something about the knowledge gained from that vulnerability and introspection. So I appreciate the generosity of writers who share experiences that affirm my own or expand my worldview to new horizons. I promise it’s not mere nosiness that drives me to read these books; it’s insatiable curiosity about the human condition.
What follows are books that deal with the topics of marriage, divorce, gender, and sexuality. There’s a mix of laughs and tears, triumphs and tragedies, because that’s life, after all. I hope you find a book that gives you whatever of those you need.
Sucker Punch: Essays by Scaachi Koul
If you need to laugh about divorce so that you don’t cry, this is the book to pick up. Many of us had to face realities we were not prepared for when the COVID lockdown hit. For Koul, she faced a string of, as the title suggests, sucker punches, including a divorce and a parent’s cancer diagnosis. This book is especially interesting paired with Koul’s 2017 debut essay collection, One Day We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter.
The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg
The author of this memoir had a life-changing event while on jury duty. After finding herself attracted to a female lawyer, her world, which at the time involved being married to a man and parenting a toddler, turned upside down. And if you want the really frank details of what that tumult was like, this book does not spare any.
Why Fathers Cry at Night: A Memoir in Love Poems, Letters, Recipes, and Remembrances by Kwame Alexander
While Kwame Alexander is known for gripping novels in verse aimed at younger readers, he is also a memoirist. This book, with its unorthodox structure, delves into marriage, divorce, and gender. In it, he seeks to know his father better while also reflecting on the important roles women have had in his life. This book expresses raw emotion through evocative poetry and other writing forms.
Clam Down: A Metamorphosis by Anelise Chen
During author Anelise Chen’s divorce, her mother sent her a typo text message telling her to “clam down.” So she took it to heart. What could she learn about clams that could relate to her own situation? What does it mean to retreat or re-emerge? I adore books that pull on natural history in creative ways, and this one is especially insightful.
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter
One way to explore one’s sexuality within a marriage is to open that marriage up to other partners. That’s what Molly Roden Winter did, and she takes us along for the ride. This book is quite divisive among readers. The best way to tell whether you find this book’s honesty insufferable or insightful is to read it for yourself.
I Am Only a Foreigner Because You Do Not Understand by L. Nichols
Graphic memoirs are so special to me. This one, a companion of sorts to L. Nichols’ Flocks (though it stands alone), reflects on the author’s identity as a trans man. Being in a relationship with a partner who did not offer sufficient support for the author’s exploration of gender is one of the threads of the narrative. The book wades through sensitive topics like fatphobia and childhood abuse, but maintains a stirring sense of self-determination.
This, of course, is a small sampling of what you can read if you’re interested. We have more suggestions for books about marriage, divorce, and gender. Also check out Book Riot writer Chris M. Arnone’s thoughts on intersex memoirs. Satisfy your own curiosity with glimpses into all of these uniquely beautiful lives.